PROD VI: Drill baby, drill!

So Awesome CoWorker is BACK!  And all is right with the world.  So you can imagine, in my elevated state, what I thought when I saw this headline appear in my mailbox at work:

What Will Turn Us On in 2030?   

This press release is, tragically, not about what I thought it was going to be about.  Sex toys of the future--now THAT is a story!  Flying vibrators... solar powered pasties.  The mind reels... So imagine my disappointment when I opened the email to find this:

Billions of dollars each year are poured into the development of solar, nuclear, biological, and other energies to substitute for fossil fuels. But so far, issues of cost, efficiency, and scalability call into question the arrival of the next era of energy. Can any alternative sources become viably competitive with fossil fuels? 

Turns out, it's an invitation to some kind of Rape the Earth 4Ever seminar, which features tantalizing talks like:

9:05 a.m. - Oil: Innocent Until Proven Guilty

Bruce Everett

International Business Professor, Fletcher School, Tufts University
Downstream Government Relations Manager, ExxonMobil (1999-2002)

Yes... Why are we SO HARD ON OIL?  Why does oil not even get a fair trial?  You're not still whining about the Gulf Coast are you?  Sucka please.  local restaurants are saying the seafood never tasted better.  The oil FLAVORED it.  YOU PUT OIL ON YOUR SALAD, DON'T YOU??  Oh. Snap.

...now let's talk about Bruce's title: Downstream Government Relations Manager...FOR EXXON?  (Personally, I would not want to be downstream from the government.  I think that's how you contract Giardia.)  Does he put Exxon spin on the fallout from oil spills?  I'm seeing slogans like: "Muscles... They belong on your ARMS, not in your Stomach!" and "My Other Car is a Hummer!"

and "You say the beach is covered with tar?  Um... shouldn't you be AT WORK YOU LAZY COMMUNIST?!"

The fun does NOT stop there.  Consider this amazing one-two punch: 

10:20 a.m. - Video: Does Alternative Energy Have Street Cred?

10:25 a.m. - What Will Drive Us in 2030? (Hint the Consumer is Always...)

RIGHT!  Unless that consumer is into wind power, in which case, can't we drag them to Texas and execute them for something?  Loitering or... facial hair?  Which leads me to this amazing talk:

11:15 a.m. - Presentation: Why Batteries  

Right?  Especially when there's perfectly good oil locked up in rocks 60-thousand feet under the ocean!  Batteries... don't make me laugh.

There's lunch, a couple of other talks and then this:

  

4:00 p.m. - Video: Everything You Heard Here Today Could Be Wrong

YES!  I love a good old fashioned Hamlet-style twist at the end of a long day of earth raping!  I hate to play into the stereotype of liberal, hippie journalists but...WHO ATTENDS these weird lectures?  Trade journalists from Oil Rigs Monthly?  

ON THE OTHER HAND... oil companies have a lot of money... Like a LOT of money.  So it stands to reason the food is decent... there's very likely an open bar... VERY...LIKELY...

It really is important to explore both sides of important issues.